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A Happy Ending In Vietnam

Welcome to Vietnam. So basically it’s my first night in Vietnam, staying at a hotel by myself. The hotel, Ho An Ga Lan, also known as the HAGL for us ugly Americans, is a more upscale establishment. However, IT IS STILL VIETNAMESE. I decide to go get some food at the restaurant. Oddly enough Vietnam is filled with “Mediterranean/French/Italian” cuisine-meaning it is all dishes from Northern Italy (Spaghetti Bolognaise is like crack to these people as well as me, but the meat here is a little funky. Dog?)

Anyways, I digress. I get my food and I feel a little sore from my 12 hour flight from Tokyo. I decide heck, there’s the Five Senses Spa on the 5th floor. I’ll have my five senses massaged. And when they mean five senses, they mean five senses.

My masseuse is this creepy 20 something year old Vietnamese with rat like little hands and beady beady black eyes.  But hey, I don’t judge. So I get in my birthday suit, lie on the table and get rubbed down. Except, in this country, a rub down is all-inclusive.

Everything is hunky dory until Miss Nguyen starts massaging the inside of my thighs. I’m like…hmmm, maybe this is the traditional Vietnamese massage? So I ignore it, especially considering I am half asleep to begin with. But than she really starts grazing my manhood!

Not sure of what to do in this awkward predicament, I pretend to be asleep. It is best to play dead when in a situation such as this. However, Miss N begins to tap me on my sternum with her sharp pointy nail. She points to the nether regions and says, “Massage?”

Not wanting to be rude, I accept! Just kidding. I’d rather abstain from having herpes. I said no thank you. Give her a dollar tip and bail out of that whorehouse!

Unfortunately, now I have this fear of passing the fifth floor. And have not gotten a massage since.  I have only read about the significance of sex work in Southeast Asia. However, I guess I literally experienced it first HAND.